This is where we begin.

Welcome to my first ever blog post! Here, I want to take some time to introduce myself and tell you a little bit about what brings me here, as well and some of my thoughts and feelings about different topics that I am passionate about.

To begin, I want to acknowledge who I am in relationship to the land that I live on. My name is Andrea and I am a white, heterosexual, cis gender woman who uses she/her pronouns with English, Irish, Greek and German ancestry. I am a daughter, a partner, sister, a cousin, and a friend.

Something I want to be consistently curious about—and keep reminding myself of—is that my being here, on this land I call home, is because of colonialism and imperialism (more on this later). It's been an ongoing process of reflection to recognize that many Indigenous communities lived here for thousands of years before my lineage ever arrived. That is pretty amazing to think about!

What feels most important to name at this time is how the First Nations peoples of Turtle Island (now called Canada) lived in a way that honours the relationship and reciprocity with the land, and with all of nature. This is a reflection and practice that I would like to continue being curious about. What does this mean for me to have a relationship with the trees? With the grasses? With the butterflies? And how does the history of colonization and my being here inform this relationship building? These are questions I will continue to ponder and hopefully explore here, with you.

With that being said, another intention of this writing is to really practice speaking authentically from my own voice so that you can hear more of who I am and what is meaningful to me. Which means I would like to bring awareness to the part of me that is exacting and perfectionistic and gently, slowly, softening the hard edge of that voice that wants me to appear that I’ve got it all together.

So, with this in mind you might notice spelling mistakes or improper grammar or run on sentences, and while it will be a challenge for me to resist the urge to polish every sentence (!!) I am going to try my best to speak here from my heart.

So, in many ways, this is an opportunity to share some insights and also practice being an imperfect human being. Which is what I hope for you, that you can make space for yourself, just as you are (which is actually a radical way we can decolonize our own hearts and minds towards more compassion and unconditional acceptance!).

I will share my journey (over many years) in learning how to be kinder, more gentle and compassionate towards myself. As well, how I found the path of mindfulness meditation and self-compassion, and how my meditation practice has shaped my life.

I remember at an early age (early 20’s) freshly green in the social work field and just beginning to understand how systems of power uphold white supremacy, sexism, and oppression—how these powers marginalize, control, and disadvantage individuals, and families. And I remember feeling completely lit up with a fierce commitment and a deep sense of belonging knowing that social work had found me. And how grateful I was to be found, and to feel a sense of belonging to a profession that works to share truth and justice. What a gift!

Over time, that recognition has been sobered by learning about the ways social work has also perpetuated inappropriate use of power and inflicted harm—especially in the ongoing colonization of Indigenous peoples. The institution of social work has historically contributed towards the degradation of culture, language and freedom of Indigenous peoples. Even now, child welfare systems hold disproportionate power over marginalized families, although I am hopeful this is slowly changing.

That being said, I am grateful that my learning in the social work field has allowed me to hold a broader, more inclusive world view that centres justice and accountability. I credit my learning journey within social work to my strong value of social responsibility and the willingness to hold uncomfortable truths and take accountability for those truths in my work and also in all of my relationships.

My social work career has been peppered with positive learning experiences and also harrowing, and impossibly hopeless experiences. It’s hard not to collapse into futility working against the cold truth of how utterly broken our system is, and how over and over again we (the powers that be) fail those who desperately need all of us to wake up.

My eventual collapse into futility lead to a gradual, slow burn out. Since 2014 I have found myself on a spiritual path where I landed in Australia for a few years and was guided to deepen my understanding of LIFE, and death. More on this later…

And then in 2017 I found mindfulness. A practice and way of being that has quite simply changed my life. I learned how to meditate, and how to sit with myself in stillness, toning and flexing the muscle of my attention to listen and feel my breath, be with my physical pain, and open up to the world around me. I found a path that I have remained faithful to, and a practice I hope to share more with you—along with some of the gifts it’s brought into my life.

A default mode I had occupied in my early years was slightly grumpy, rightfully pessimistic and generally a little sad. This being due to a complex family system that couldn’t always give me the emotional nurturance I needed, and now recognized (thank you therapy!) as a very resilient part of me that protects myself from feeling vulnerable and afraid.

It has been a journey in learning how to listen to the voice of that grumpy, pessimistic sad little one and practice really listening to her pain, and learning how to respond to myself (my parts) in a way that allows for more clarity and compassion.

In another post I will share more of my understanding of parts work (Internal Family Systems) and how it has helped me get in touch with a voice of inner kindness that I forgot existed.

All of this to say, I am glad you are here.

The inspiration for these musings is twofold. 1) to practice for myself writing and flexing a creative muscle that over the years has been buried beneath doing and surviving.

And 2) to share insights, ideas and inspirations with you, so that it might be of service to you on your journey of healing and caring for yourself.

Topics I plan to explore include mindfulness, self-compassion, understanding more about inner child parts and reclaiming our true nature. I would like to explore topics like grief and death, as well as stress and burnout and also complexity in family relationships.

As well, bringing curiosity to how big institutional powers like capitalism, patriarchy and white supremacy impact us from the inside out. And how reconnecting to our wildness through nature can be a pathway back to ourselves in ways we can only imagine.

My hope is that these reflections offer you some reminders that you are not alone in this complex and strange world of being human in the 21st century.

I know many of you are navigating the depths of burnout, trying to be kinder to yourself and living with grief and longing for more connection. We are in good company here.

I’d like to share this beautiful poem that a mentor and teacher friend shared with me recently. I think it speaks beautifully to the spirit of the insights I hope to share here:

When in the middle of the night you wake with the certainty you’ve done it all wrong. 

When you wake and see clearly all the places you’ve failed. 

In that moment when dreams will not return. 

This is the chance for your most gentle voice, 

the one you reserve for those you love most, to say to you quietly, oh, sweetheart, this is not yet the end of the story. 

Sleep will not come. 

But somehow, in that wide awake moment, there is peace. 

The kind that does not need everything to be right before it arrives. 

The kind that comes from not fighting what is real. 

The peace that rises in the dark on its sure dark wings and flies true, 

with no moon, no stars.

- Rosemary Wathola Trommer

Thank you for reading.

I wish you all happiness, safety, health and ease.

Andrea

Mindfulness

It’s early September and the the leaves are just barely turning yellow, and the light is shining a little paler. This is a time of year where it feels like an ending is nearing and the early September days bringing change and new beginnings.

It’s a nice feeling, even though the problems of my life surround me (financial uncertainty, challenging relationships with loved ones, health issues and grief and stress about the state of our world). And yet, there is a presence of mind that allows me to appreciate the light dancing through the leaves of the alder outside my window, and take in the sounds of birdsong, a breath that returns me back into my body. And even though this moment is fraught with so much “not rightness” …

This moment is a moment I can open to.

My first real experience with mindfulness was in 2017 while taking the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course. Prior to 2017 I had attended some workshops and retreat style experiences that promised the stillness and beauty of a spiritual way of being, but lacked the true genuineness required to sustain my curiosity and interest.

This was the first time I had the opportunity to practice in a secular setting that was simply about training my mind, and learning how to meditate. And yet, despite the course being rooted in evidence based research I found the discussions and practices poetic and reverent in nature.

Initially, like so many others, I struggled with how full my mind was with erroneous information. And I say initially – still my mind produces all sorts of material worth gawking at. Although, now I take that content way less seriously than I did before.

In the early days of learning mindfulness a misconception I had, and a refrain I often heard from my peers and now in the classes I teach is “my mind is just too busy and full” and “I’ll never be able to stop thinking.”

There are two points here that I find interesting and are often highlighted in mindfulness based education. The first one being the story of I, Me, Mine. Right away you start to learn in mindfulness based practice YOUR mind is like all minds. Your mind with all its neurosis and contingency planning is not alone, and with practice we can start to see and experience that we ALL share this engrained habit to be hooked by thinking, problem solving, day dreaming, fixating, etc.

And the second point to highlight Is that all minds have the nature to think, endlessly, .and the purpose of bringing mindfulness to the present moment is not to stop thinking, but to become aware of thinking.

So, put quite simply, the thinking mind is not a problem in mindfulness based learning, it is an object of our attention that we come to know, understand and eventually with practice forgive (over and over again).

Mindfulness has changed my life in countless ways, but probably the most noticeable shift has been in the way that I talk to myself. I’ve always been unnecessarily hard on myself about getting it right in life. Always the rhetoric of you should be doing more, trying harder, say this, say that, be everything to everyone, and all that jazz. It’s been a perpetual cycle of surviving my drill sergeants unrealistic and cold demands and eventually collapsing into futility, exhaustion and an unexplainable sadness.

After almost 9 years of practice that undercurrent of criticism has slowed to a bed in the river where I can wade in the current. My mindfulness practice has softened the voice of the drill sergeant and helped me to respond to those narratives with greater understanding, compassion and gentleness. An excerpt from a poem I love by Naomi Shibab Nye illustrates this best

“…Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say It is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you everywhere like a shadow or a friend.”

So what is mindfulness?

I’ll quote the great Jon Kabat Zinn who is the founder of the MBSR program and truly was a pioneer in bringing mindfulness to the west.

"Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally."

Or my favourite definition by Shauna Shapiro and Deborah Carlson:

“Mindfulness is the awareness that arises through intentionally attending in an open, kind and discerning way.”

Each of these definitions points to a way of paying attention that allows for curiosity and allowing of our present moment experience. Practically speaking there are different ways you can practice mindfulness, and it doesn’t have to be cross legged sitting on a mountaintop (unless thats your thing ;).

Observing our experience in the present moment can be done while driving, eating, brushing your teeth, doing the dishes, being in nature, as well while speaking and listening. And the list goes on! I love this practice because it teaches a way of being, rather than a skill to acquire only during certain experiences.

More formal practices of mindfulness would include a sitting meditation practice, body scan practice, (the body scan and sitting meditation can be done standing, lying down, etc), and walking meditation practice.

Dr Amishi Jha shares the science and benefits behind training and cultivating your attention and how her research shows that 12 minutes of stillness a day can build your attentional capacity over time.

So, there are reasons to practice, and everyone who decides to take up a mindfulness practice has their own reasons. Maybe they start to practice mindfulness to help them cope more effectively with stress, or to help them have more meaningful relationships, or to learn how to be kinder and more compassionate to their pain and suffering.

Many who come to find this practice begin to recognize our shared humanity, and the interconnectedness that binds us all together. Their practice might ignite a calling greater than themselves that motivates them to practice not only to benefit themselves, but for the greater benefit of all beings.

Vietnamese Monk Thich Nhat Hahn reminds us that it is precisely when things are difficult that we need our practice the most.  

“When we look at all the suffering around us, at poverty, violence, or climate change, we may want to solve these things immediately. We want to do something. But to do something effectively and ethically, we need to be our best selves in order to be able to handle the suffering.”

So what brings you to this moment? What is your ‘why?’

My invitation to you is to notice one thing, in this moment. It could be the sound of your breath, the light through your window, or the sensation of your feet touching the ground.

What are you noticing?

What happens in your body as you bring your attention to this area?

What’s it like?

How are you relating to this moment?

Perhaps this is where your ‘why’ begins…